Letting It Out to Move Up

7 Aug

Last year for my birthday, I decided I wanted to spend the day at Devil’s Lake State Park, almost certainly the most perfect spot in the whole damn world.

Seriously, look how great this is:

thanks, google!

And this!



And, after seeing that majesty, we drove to Parfrey’s Glen and hiked around there. Check this out:




And this!

thanks again, google!

Enough of Wisconsin – you can obviously tell what I am missing today.

The POINT is my parents and Matthew and I spent the ENTIRE day hiking and walking around and enjoying the sunshine. When we came home, my sweet little mother kicked off her shoes to show an entirely bruised foot and swollen ankle and poor tender toes.

“It’s nothing!” she  said. “It’s been like this for weeks – don’t worry about it!”

My mother, bless her heart, is a dumb, beautiful angel.  She had apparently pulled something in her leg a couple weeks earlier and even in terrible pain went along with my birthday plan just to make sure I had the best day I possibly could. Needless to say, I felt like a complete asshole. In my defense, though, she did not say one single word about it all day and had kept up or led the way most of the time.

The worst – and, arguably the most remarkable – thing is that my ENTIRE family is this way. Never, ever have I heard my parents or siblings complain about pain or lack of commitment or anything resembling something less than okay.

As obviously stupid as it can be, I love it. I love how dedicated my family is.   I’ve asked my mother several times since then why she didn’t say anything. She always comes back with something along the lines of, “It was nothing! Look how much fun we had! What use is complaining? Don’t be stupid! Bitching is annoying! I’m Ruth and I am the biggest martyr and hero of them all!”

Maybe I added that last part.  But just doing things is such a part of how I was raised, it’s really hard for me to see otherwise.  I am completely aware of how intolerable of complaints and excuses I am.  I have an acquaintance who can never do anything because one thing or another is always hurting. I love them to pieces, but deep inside I’m always boiling and livid – come on now, I say!

That’s not to say I don’t ever complain myself – because I absolutely do – but I have such a hard time recognizing and working through things and talking about it. It comes back to that whole talking about gross feelings and reflection and self-awareness and all that garbage.

Which, I think is why until just last night I wasn’t aware how much of a funk I have been in. I was chatting with my site-mates about an annoying incident with some taxi drivers when I just started spewing one thing after another. Before I knew it, I had been venting for nearly ten minutes, no stopping for breaths, about all these things I wasn’t even aware I was thinking about. Problems, complaints, annoyances, concerns – apparently I have them, and in plentiful supply.

It’s not any sort of terrible moodiness or separation, but when I finally took a breath and stopped violently chopping tomatoes and blabbering, I realized how schlumpy I have been feeling. I am totally into my projects and my work and I feel that each day has some beautiful highs and great moments, but there’s just been this haze of big ideas I have been mulling over and just never really thinking through.

I don’t know that I have any real answers for any of those things, nor do I plan on spending hours self-reflecting and growing and blah blah blah.

BUT, even that simple act of just talking about it, and the opportunity to have great friends who will listen and not always try to solve or alter but just listen was the best thing I could have asked for.  I have just never been aware how easy and necessary it can be to let a few things go, bring them to the surface, and then move on and continue life – but in a better way from there.

It seems slightly ironic to me that I have been in such a strange mood these past several days or so because of all these complaints I have been feeling, and yet by complaining about them I finally feel better able to tackle each day with the annoying positive attitude my parents adore. I don’t know what that really means, nor do I want to dwell on it all that much, but I just have to say how much brighter everything looks today.

It’s a good day, team. A really good day here in the terribly hot but beautifully optimisitc palm of Azerbaijan.



One Response to “Letting It Out to Move Up”

  1. ruth krueger (@tromtt) August 7, 2013 at 8:37 am #

    blah blah blah

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