Confidence

31 May

We are in the thick of things, folks. Only three weeks until we – assuming all goes well from here on out – become official Peace Corps volunteers.

Which means, from today until then, we find ourselves in a solid routine of technical class followed by language class followed by homework, host family bonding, clean-up, getting ready for bed – over and over. Though predictable, (for the most part – I mean, really, I have no idea what I am getting myself into each day, and even the most routine of activities is subject to all kinds of chaos) I like the consistency and comfort I gain each day.  While it can be a bit monotonous, I also like the confidence boost I get by successfully and optimistically moving through each new day.

My biggest moment today is more of a feeling. I know, it bums me out just thinking about it as well, but I have to say I am quite proud of the internal progress I am making. I can tell already that this experience, which will (hopefully, I think) influence me in so many ways, will definitely play a huge role in altering those things inside which team up to make me who I am.

When we first moved to country, as you know, I was a bit of a wreck. Like, way more than I expected to be and should have been.

I can’t listen to this song; it reminds me too much of summer with my friends!”

“This shirt reminds me too much of my mom – I can’t wear it without crying!”

“I can’t eat food – I used to eat food before, too!”

It was really pathetic.

If you had the power to watch my video chats with my family, you would also see what a sad little being I was as well.

It’s not so much that I wanted to go home, but the suddenness from which we were split from all those reliable comforts and routines, even though we’ve been preparing to go for quite some time, hurt unbelievably so.

BUT TODAY, friends, I was not a blubbering idiot!

Before we left, our family and friends wrote us amazing letters to read throughout our service. We decided to do our best to save one per month.  And this month, we happened to grab one from my amazing grandmother, whom I love and miss immensely.

It was so sappy and motivating and perfect – just the thing to set me off on a whirlwind of sloppy tears and laments.

Instead, however, I felt so inspired.  Instead of wishing to be back in her cozy house sharing a meal we cooked together, I was grateful and energized by her words. Yes, I thought, I CAN do this.

Additionally, when I spoke to some of my family on Google Voice yesterday, I didn’t even get worked up once when we hung up. Instead, I was happy. I was happy to speak with them and happily looking forward to the next time we could speak again but not, for once, too unhappy after I saw their faces and missed their laughter.

This may seem like chump, but to me, this optimism, this ability to be perfectly content, means the world.  We have three weeks prepared and ready and set to go, and I am (finally) ready as well.

And this most special day ALSO happens to be my lover’s birthday as well.  Walt has been such a champion through all this so far, it’s hard to imagine he could add something more, but here is just the thing:

O the joy of my spirit –it is uncaged – it darts like lightning!
It is not enough to have this globe or a certain time,
I will have thousands of globes and all time.//
To push with resistless way and speed off in the distance.//
O the joy of the vast elemental sympathy which only the human soul is capable of generating and emitting in steady and limitless floods.
–          Walt Whitman 
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2 Responses to “Confidence”

  1. Anonymous May 31, 2013 at 6:05 pm #

    I keep singing I have confidence from sound of music

  2. Anonymous June 2, 2013 at 6:27 pm #

    Yay, Olivia!! I’m so happy for you that you’re feeling good about it all!

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