Parting and Zombies

3 Apr

I don’t really have anything against zombies.  I mean, sure – I recognize the various appeals. Zombies fuel that frightening need for horror; they demand a bit of suspended belief but push within reality; add a soupçon of axing heads and biting arms and you get a vicious,  kick-ass story to live in.

The major bone I need to pick here is the obsession with answering the following:

How would you survive the zombie apocalypse?

 I will be the first to plead guilty.  I once spent an entire shift debating and imaging scenarios with co-workers regarding just what exactly we would do if the plague started while we were at work.  (It ended tragically beautiful – our pregnant friend’s baby was saved by our manager who walked off into the sunset, only to have to give the baby to strangers a few days later after the bite on his ankle finally took him down.)

So, if you want to fantasize and giggle about what you would do, by all means – go for it.

But what I officially CANNOT stand are those who justify real life actions as necessary precautions for the imaginary apocalypse.  Like, those who buy outrageous assault rifles or shoot for hours at the range to prepare for when the zombies attack.  Also, the other day, I walked past two fellas sitting on a bench.  They were chatting with one another and pointed to a third guy in the distance and said, “What an idiot.  That guy is so dumb – he is not going to survive when the zombies attack.”  For real? That man is going for a jog and he looks pretty ripped.  You are smoking on the curb.

What we SHOULD instead be creating are survival guides for parting from loved ones, because let me tell you – it is way harder than pushing through any sort of un-dead end of the world.

As these guides for when you depart from family for a long time are not as readily available as, say The Ultimate Survival Guide: The Zombie Apocalypse or The Zombie Combat Manual (both actual titles now for sale on Amazon), here are some tips for that parting moment:

1.  Bring lots of tissue.

2. No matter how much you think you are prepared – YOU ARE NOT.  Know that you will cry, and cry some more, and then again, but EVENTUALLY you will just be out of tears and start making horrible faces – almost like dry heaving with your eye balls.

3. Don’t replay moments on the airplane, as people will stare.  Instead, try and replay Snow White and the Seven Dwarves in your mind – you will be surprised at how little you remember and will require your undivided attention to unearth some details.

4. Give lots of hugs, because you can still feel them hours later and as bittersweet as that is, they will feel great.


5. Take a hot shower, cry as much as you can, and then watch some videos of kittens on Youtube.  I recommend the following:

Eventually, I think, it will all work out okay.  Because unlike the fake apocalypse, this is real life.  And real life has highs and lows, but ultimately it is a life full and worth living with a smile.  I am having a way harder time adjusting to the thought of living away from home for two years than I ever thought I would, but I must remind myself how short that really is.  And it’s not as if I am defending myself against man eating, brain dead beasts.  This is infinitely better.

We have arrived in D.C., and are just about to settle for the night. Tomorrow is a big day of meetings, and then Friday we are off.

We will be JUST FINE.  Because now matter how tough it is, at least we will never look like this:

I may feeeel like this, but definitely am not a corpse.



2 Responses to “Parting and Zombies”

  1. Anonymous April 4, 2013 at 3:38 am #

    I love you and you WILL be fine.

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