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Cribbage: Day Four

4 Nov

I’m not sure whether I missed something or The Daily Post does not, in fact, post on Sundays, but since I couldn’t find the prompt set for today (and I’m on a whopping three day hot-streak for NaBloPoMo!) I thought I would just use the post from November 1st that I missed.

Daily Prompt

by michelle w. on November 1, 2012

When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?

Seldom are the moments I really, desperately just need to be away from it all.  It could probably be considered some sort of separation anxiety or autophobia, in fact.  I actually never considered this until now, but the more I think about it… yeah, I am super clingy.

When I was younger my mother always told me she should have named me “Lena” because I constantly felt the need to lean on her (ha, ha) and clutch to her arm.  My partner often refers to me as his “needy little wife,” which I find weirdly charming, sad as that might sound.

Despite all that, however, what I really love more than most things is being by people, not-so-much with them.  Like, if I could sit in the same room with a bunch of close friends and family, and read a book and  not be expected to contribute to the conversation, I would be in seventh heaven.  Though I loooooathe playing cribbage (it’s the principal of the thing, really; just, so much math), I love when it is suggested in my family because they know I won’t join in, and they won’t expect me to, and I can just be around them without having to add anything (pun!).   I really like watching movies because we are all in the same thing, but it doesn’t demand conversation or action.

Okay, so really what it comes down to is I’m just really lazy; I enjoy the presence of life without being involved in it.

Thinking about when I last felt really, truly lonely, then, was a challenge.  Unfortunately, I don’t mind going a whole day without interaction, so long as someone is nearby.

I kick myself a lot, though for all the evenings we were so close to everyone in Eau Claire but chose to sit on our butt in front of the t.v.  It was that same sort of dependency: though I wasn’t actually spending time and doing adventurous things with those I adore, the fact that they were so nearby felt just fine.  I appreciated their friendship and the moments we had, but didn’t always feel so compelled to take advantage of them.

When others moved away and eventually we did, too, we couldn’t just call each other up and quickly meet for a drink or a game of darts.  I didn’t have the option to go to out for the evening or meet for band practice.  And even though I had different and awesome people to visit in Rapids, there was a huge void, and I still miss them. A lot.

I wish I could say this had some profound life changing message to it.  (“Never take anything for granted!”)  And it’s true I shouldn’t, though I would still prefer to laugh at the jokes without exchanging any of my own.  But, it really is possible to be entirely lonely when you are completely surrounded by others.  Because, (and here’s the corny part) if I don’t jump in and play the game, adding knobs and creating a stellar crib will never get any easier. I will eventually and quite easily forget all the rules to playing along until it is just a distant little memory.   And it really is all those quirky and obscure moments that make it great.

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